Family Matters Newsletter - April 2007

Problem behaviors with children

Anne Zander, Colorado State University Extension - Boulder County

All children have behavior problems, and some are harder to accept than others. As parents we are our children's first and foremost teacher. We need to establish our plan for accomplishing rules and expectations. This is our job as parents!

Why does he act this way?
When children react with aggression toward what is a seemingly simple request the underlying principle may be one of frustration. If tasks they could accomplish yesterday can't be done today, they become angry. If the tasks become more difficult or more restrictions are applied, they may react with anger.

When expectations are raised, children may become fearful that they can't accomplish what is expected. The fear may become overwhelming, causing children to react to others in a negative manner. Sometimes subtle actions like not eating their food or bedwetting may be their response. Sometimes more violent actions become a way of controlling the situation. It becomes clear that even if the children can't communicate their frustration, they can act out the frustration and achieve attention.

How to deal with this behavior
Balancing the child's need for independence with your authority is one of a parent's greatest challenges. Remember that children's awareness of being able to choose not to comply with a command also means they are learning the first step in being able to choose outcomes.

Be mindful of the individual child's age and developmental level when choosing your actions. Keep in mind the following tips as you are dealing with difficult behaviors:

  • Know that discipline is not punishment. Discipline is training to help a child learn control of herself.
  • Realize the child's limitations and set expectations accordingly. Don't set the child or yourself up for defeat and more frustration.
  • Learn to recognize early warning signs of frustration in your child. When children are approached with a problem or situation that they don't know how to handle, anxiety begins to take over.
  • Develop a discipline plan. Decide ahead of time how to deal with an incidence of misbehavior. Planning and practice will lessen the anger and distress of the behavior.
  • Use "time out" to remove the child from the situation and to allow the child to practice self control. A "time out" area could be a chair, a step or anyplace where the child does not have access to toys, television or other activities. An appropriate length of time is one minute for each year of age. At the completion of the "time out" a discussion should follow to identify the reason for the "time out" and other options the child might have had to avoid being out of control.
  • Recognize that sometimes no reaction is the best answer. No reaction is useful for behaviors that are not aggressive, like whining or pestering. If adults intervene too early on a situation, children don't have a chance to meet the challenge themselves and don't acquire new skills.
  • Once you decide to respond to the child, do so quickly. The delay of your response until a task is finished or a conversation completed takes away from its effectiveness.
  • Be consistent in the warnings you give and the consequence involved. Begging or whining should not change the outcome of the consequence.
  • Be sure you have the child's attention when you are discussing the problem at hand. Take hold of the child's hands or wrists, look him in the eye, and ask him to look at you as you are talking. If the child cannot verbalize clearly, identify a way, like blinking of their eyes or moving hands that the child can help identify the problem.
  • Don't wait until you lose your temper to react to the child's behavior. Know your own warning signs as well and react accordingly. Sometimes parents need a "time out" too.

The discipline plan should be consistent in order for the child to progress toward the goal of self-control. If the child's behavior gets worse after a plan has been implemented, chances are it's working. Children will test to the limit to see if the rules are going to be enforced. Only address one or two issues at a time until the child becomes accustomed to the way you are dealing with her behavior.

Go to top of this page.

Feeling frustrated? 12 alternatives to hitting your child

When the big and little problems of your everyday life pile up to the point where you feel like hitting, slapping or spanking your child - STOP.

Take time out. Don't take your problems out on your child. Try any or all of these simple alternatives. Use whatever works for you.

  • Stop in your tracks. Step back. Sit down.
  • Take five deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. Slowly, slowly.
  • Count to 10. Better yet, 20. Or say the alphabet out loud.
  • Phone a friend. A relative. Even the weather phone.
  • Still mad? Punch a pillow. Or munch an apple.
  • Thumb through a magazine, book, newspaper or photo album.
  • Do some sit-ups.
  • Pick up a pencil and write down your thoughts.
  • Take a hot bath or a cold shower.
  • Lie down on the floor, or just put your feet up.
  • Put on your favorite music.
  • Water your plants.

Go to top of this page.

Why parents get angry

In her book, "Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma," Nancy Samalin writes, "the greater our love, the greater too our capacity for feeling a full range of troubling emotions, including anger, resentment and even rage. It is only natural that these strong emotions are sometimes expressed in our relationships with our children, for they are the people in whom we invest our greatest love, our most intense feelings, and our highest expectations."

But even though parents get angry, they must control their behavior. Is this easier said than done? Of course it is. So here are some tips to remember the next time your child "pushes your buttons."

  • The louder they get, the quieter you get.
  • Take responsibility for your own emotions by saying "I'm mad," instead of, "You're bad."
  • Nothing is learned or gained at the point of crisis.
  • To teach a lesson, you and your child must both be calm and alert.
  • When anger takes over, logic goes out the window.
  • Anger can be a secondary emotion.
  • The underlying cause may be fear or pain or guilt. Try to get to the cause.

Go to top of this page.