Family Matters Newsletter - December 2006

We all need to feel that we belong

By Sheila Gains Colorado State University Extension, agent Family and Consumer Sciences, Arapahoe County

Feeling that you belong or "fit in" is a basic human need that we never outgrow. Very young children seek attention from parents and caregivers in order to feel they belong. School-age children form cliques in order to belong. Young adults join clubs, organizations, cults, gangs and cyber relationships seeking to feel they belong. Adults and seniors, date, marry, build families, socialize and join organizations to belong.

Many of the ways we seek to find this sense of belonging are positive efforts with positive outcomes but some efforts may result in very negative outcomes. We desire to fit in so much that we are often willing to do some extraordinary things to make it happen. Just think about peer pressure for a moment, it is pressure to act in a certain way in order to fit in or belong.

Sometimes in our need to feel we belong we end up excluding others. For example, as a child did you ever hear "You can't come to my party"? Or as an adult did you ever discover you were one of the few in the office not invited to a colleague's wedding? Exclusion says you don't belong.

What can you do to make it easier for others to feel they belong at home, work, school or in your neighborhood? If you can regularly practice behaviors that make other people feel like they belong, you can lessen bad behavior, reduce stress and build environments were others can be more productive. We can all do something to help others more easily feel they belong.
In families:

  • Send verbal and non-verbal messages that say you belong here, such as, "I'm glad you're my son/granddaughter/wife." "You are special to me." "My favorite times with you are when we_____."
  • Pay attention to one another. Stop what you're doing and look at family members when they talk to you.
  • Build a family tree with pictures on a wall. This is a non-verbal, visual message that shows people they belong. Consider adding non-relatives or close family friends that you consider family.

At school teachers can:

  • Learn and regularly use students' names.
  • Find time to talk to each student to get to know him or her as an individual.
  • Encourage students to get involved in school sponsored extracurricular activities.
  • Talk to your class about the negative affects of exclusion and cliques, while encouraging student efforts at inclusion.

At school students can:

  • Make a conscious effort to include others in conversations, lunch groups and playground activities.
  • Acknowledge other students with a hello, smile or a nod.

In a study of mobile military children at Johns Hopkins University researchers report that when students feel connected or that they belong, it increases their chances for success and decreases risky behaviors such as violence, becoming pregnant or trying drugs and alcohol. Also, these students were 50 percent less likely to attempt suicide. Researchers are finding that schools are second only to families as stabilizing forces for children.
At work:

  • Acknowledge everyone you pass with a good morning or a smile and a nod.
  • Listen to others and their ideas. Thank them for their input, even if you disagree with what they said.
  • Expand your usual lunch group to include anyone who wants to join you, or who might not have other plans. This might mean asking a different group of people on different days.
  • Don't talk about after work activities with colleagues in front of others who were not invited unless you plan to invite them to join you the next time.

In your neighborhood:

  • Learn and use your neighbors' names to acknowledge them as you pass one another and in conversations with them.
  • Plan a neighborhood activity that everyone can participate in.
  • Take a plate of cookies, bouquet of flowers or a happy holiday card to a neighbor's house.
  • Complement a neighbor on their yard, paint color or door decoration.

When you make connections and help others feel they belong, you are building a foundation of trust and mutual respect that can pay high dividends in positive behaviors for you and your community.

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Safety tips

  • Make sure all members of your family know what to do in the event of a fire.
  • Store matches and lighters out of children's reach.
  • Make sure your furnace is operating safely and efficiently.
  • Check your water heater. Turn it down to 115 degrees.
  • Keep pot handles turned back on the stove so toddlers can't reach them.
  • Keep lit candles away from toddlers. Make sure candles are out before going to bed or leaving.

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Children need a variety of foods for good health

Children need to eat a variety of foods for good health and growth. Fruits and vegetables are especially important. Health experts recommend five servings of fruits and vegetables every day. Help your children get hooked on this habit early by offering a variety of choices throughout the day.

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