|
Howard, age 64, spends a lot of his time planning - not for retirement,
but for child care. With his wife, Helen, they are caring for their
grandchildren, ages 2 and 4. Their daughter Shelly is an addict and has
had no contact with the family for more than a year. Helen worries that
the situation stresses Howard's heart condition, she's angry at Shelly and
she is confused about making decisions for the benefit of their
grandchildren.
According to the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP)
Grandparent Information Center, the typical parenting grandparent is
female, age 59, and has cared for one grandchild for four-and-a-half
years. More than four million American children are being raised by
grandparents, double the number a generation ago. The Children's Defense
Fund reported a 51.5 percent increase between 1990 and 1998 of children
living with a relative, or 1 in 12. More than 6 million children are
living in households headed by a grandparent or other relatives. Colorado
Census 2002 data indicated 5.04 percent of children, or 55,575 children,
lived in grandparent-headed households.
As a grandparent facing the potential situation, think about what you want
to do, what you are able to do and what you must do. Gather information
from community resources, and use the knowledge to make informed
decisions. Search out information from resources (child protection
services, schools, legal, medical, insurance, Social Security) in your
community. Be aware that some systems are not set up to recognize a
grandparent as the children's responsible adult. Be patience, honest and
persistent in expressing your needs.
It is important that everyone involved understand the implications of
legal choices as well as the risks of informal arrangements. If parents
agree to give authority without dispute, you face two legal choices.
Guardianship and custody give the grandparent parental authority but the
parents still have rights. Adoption gives the grandparent all authority
and no rights for the birth parents.
Family foster care might be another option. It could provide some child
support payments which could ease the financial burden. Keep the issues of
custody, support and visitation as three separate issues. Your adult
children and their partners have a responsibility for expenses needed for
the grandchildren's upbringing, even if it is being done by someone else.
It can create conflict in your relations with your grandchild's parents,
but it will be of help in the grandchild's need for a caring parent.
Grandparents who find themselves parenting their grandchildren may feel
conflicting emotions. They love their grandchildren, wish to maintain
family unity or feel a new purpose. The potential exists for satisfaction
and joy. Many grandparents say it is a choice to live by the belief that
"It's our family's responsibility, and we can care for them the best."
They also can experience the other side of the emotional coin. The normal
losses that come with aging (loss of income, health or a spouse) may make
raising grandchildren responsibilities more difficult or, sometimes,
impossible. Retirement funds may be lost or plans put on hold. They must
deal with the disappointment that their children did not do better and the
fear of losing contact with grandchildren. In some cases, other family
relationships deteriorate as the grandparents' investment of time and
money becomes unequally divided. The reality of financial demands on one's
reduced income and lack of medical coverage also are major challenges.
Take care of yourself because your health is critical to your
grandchildren's well being. Care giving is stressful as you deal with your
own - and your grandchildren's - anger or loss. Keep to your healthy
lifestyle, continue recommended health checks and plan for respite to keep
up your hope and supportive relationships.
Here are tips to nurture your grandchildren when you also are their
"parent."
Read to the grandchildren every day. Make reading a relaxing activity.
Read aloud some funny or interesting parts of your favorite book. Older
children might be interested in a riddle book, magazine or newspaper. Look
for articles of interest to them beyond the topics of homework.
Help them practice safety by providing needed equipment and role-modeling
behaviors. Buckle seat belts, use car seats properly for the size of the
children and be sure they wear helmets and other safety gear when bike
riding, skateboarding and rollerblading. Teach safe animal handling
whether they know or don't know an animal.
Keep immunizations up to date. If the children are not covered by health
insurance, access other resources for medical care through social
services.
Provide nutritious food and prepare meals according to the food-guide
pyramid. Do not expect them to eat adult portions, and remember that they
need to eat a little more often. Keep the food safe with time and
temperature controls and safe storage times. Food-borne illness risks are
higher for children and the elderly.
Set a good example by working out disputes without violence and by
remembering that words can hurt too. Spanking is an ineffective form of
punishment and can be seen as child abuse. Search out classes or
information on anger management and discipline skills.
Monitor television, movies, music and computer use by the children. What
children see and hear does influence their behavior.
Make your grandchild feel loved and important. A routine between the two
of you or a surprise message of love can affect feelings of self-esteem
and hope for the future. Pity, compensation and shame are not helpful to
anyone.
If your grandchild has special needs, seek out services early in their
school years or as a preschooler.
To request a free subscription to AARP's newsletter, "Parenting
Grandchildren: A Voice for Grandparents," mail your name and mailing
address to AARP Grandparent Information Center, 601 E Street NW,
Washington DC 20049; visit their Web site at www.aarp.org/grandparents; or
call 1-202-434-2296.
Please see the fact sheet Grandparents as Parents.
For more information, contact your local
Colorado State University Extension office.
|
