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Marriage is a process during which both the individuals and the relationship go through a number of stages that provide the potential for continued growth. One special value of geriatric study is that new perceptions of the human condition are explored. Looking back with retrospective view, as the Harvard Study of Adult Development does, can help us discover what promotes and what interferes with functioning at different stages of life. One example is the recognition that psychological growth and development continue throughout the life cycle.
Researchers at the Ohio State University have found certain characteristics likely to occur among partners in vital, happy relationships:
- Partners meet each other's emotional needs by giving and not keeping score.
- Partners do not take happiness for granted and are determined to make marriage work.
- Partners value independence but give high priority to marital harmony.
- Partners share a similar view of the role sex plays in their relationship.
- Partners enjoy open, direct and non-manipulative conversations about a variety of topics.
- Partners share a positive outlook.
- Partners express appreciation and are generous with praise.
- Partners each have some kind of spiritual grounding.
- Partners are respectful of differences and show empathy.
- Partners are willing to grow and change.
- Partners frequently express affection with terms of endearment and nonsexual touching.
Couples often lose intimacy because they equate expressions of affection with immaturity and the dating phase and fail to recognize these expressions are critical to maintaining intimacy.
Erik Erickson developed the theory of psychosocial development that described sequential stages. Stage 7 (adulthood) is focused on success with work and family. Erickson suggests that individuals who feel successful as workers and parents feel that they are contributing to the world, but if they feel unsuccessful in either they may feel unproductive and unhappy. This stage is concurrent with the beginning of the "empty nest" period for many couples. Marital satisfaction often declines during this life stage. This is also the time when individuals begin actively thinking about growing older and what that may mean in their life. For some, retirement may occur at the end if this life stage.
As couples enter Stage 8 (old age) marital satisfaction often becomes increasingly positive. Retirement can contribute to marital satisfaction by reducing other commitments, role conflicts and time constraints and by increasing opportunities for companionship. The Harvard Study of Adult Development suggests that learning to play and create after retirement combined with gaining new social contacts adds more enjoyment to life than additional income. Furthermore, during this stage resolution of conflict becomes less negatively emotional and more affectionate while couples' role identities may become less defined and there is often mutual sharing of tasks such as grocery shopping, yard work and household chores.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development shows that mental and emotional health is influenced by perceptions of social support from ones' spouse. Dr. George Vaillant, in his book Aging Well, says that a good marriage at age 50 is more predictive of positive aging at age 80 than low cholesterol.
Dr. Michael Sporakowski, Family Therapist on the faculty of Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University makes some important points about the reality of marriage success in mature couples.
- Many happy workable and productive marriages do not require what most of us think of as romantic love. Research shows that couples in enduring relationships are doing really well to experience romantic love for 10 percent of the time they are married.
- Couples need to be realistic and philosophical about marriage and realize that things are rarely perfect.
- While it is true that marriages go through highs and lows, marital mismatches rarely reverse themselves.
- Very few marriages are perfect and even individuals in long-lasting marriages may occasionally need support and understanding to keep marriage working.
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