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Family time - if you're like most parents the juxtaposition of these two words brings forth contradictory emotions of sentimental expectations and raw guilt. From the vantage point of many homes, "family time" is spent primarily in the service of children. Children's needs and schedules often set the timetable for everyone. For most of us the demands of household schedules prevent the type of family time we remember and often desire.
This is exactly what University of Guelph (Ontario, Canada) sociologist Kerry J. Daly discovered in a study of dual-earner and single parent families. "Collectively, families are working more than in the past, but the total amount of time they have together hasn't changed dramatically over the past few decades. What has changed, however, is that the time they have together is faster and has a greater density of activity with household chores to be done and children's activities to go to." Those Daly interviewed identified ultimate family time as being spontaneous and unstructured. Togetherness, positive experiences and happy interactions were viewed as essential to creating a source of memories. Even the young children talked about "the whole family having fun together." The gap between what these parents expected and experienced caused pervasive disappointment and guilt for many of the families.
Is there ever enough time? William Doherty, family therapist and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota thinks there is. The key is realizing that family time doesn't just happen in today's society. Doherty compares contemporary family life to putting a canoe into the Mississippi River. "If you enter the water at St. Paul and don't do anything, you will head south toward New Orleans. If you want to go north, or even stay at St. Paul, you have to work hard and have a plan. In the same way, if you get married or have a child without a working plan for your family's journey, you will likely head "south" toward less closeness, less meaning, and less joy over time. A family, like a canoe, must be steered or paddled, or it won't take you where you want to go."
With that in mind, consider these ideas for moving against the current and realign your family time expectations and experience.
- Find ways of creating and protecting time boundaries that can be used by the family. This might involve decisions to work less, reduce the number of children's activities, watch television less, or to schedule more unstructured time in the family agenda.
- Reevaluate expectations for what family time should be. This may mean redefining family time to accommodate smaller segments of time and more fragmented activities, or even developing pastimes that build one-on-one relationships instead of having everyone together interacting. For example, try a regular date night with one of your kids, or even your spouse! Have a game always set up somewhere in the house.
- Make the most of your daily routines by creating family rituals that are repeated, coordinated and have meaning or significance for your family. Taking the time to develop special interactions associated with getting up in the morning and going to bed at night, going out to school or work and returning, meal time and special celebrations can go a long way toward actually losing track of time and enjoying it, as a family.
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