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Perception IS reality, and no where is this more evident than in parent-teen relationships.
The way in which parents and teens communicate, solve problems, make decisions and manage stress are greatly affected by their perceptions.
As human beings, we do more than merely experience our world - we also perceive it. We define situations and events. We interpret them, make some kind of sense of them. We make inferences and draw conclusions. Our interpretation could be right or wrong, but what we perceive is our reality. Our feelings and our actions grow out of these perceptions or misperceptions.
Perceptions and Emotions
It is common to blame our feelings on events or people: "When my car broke down, it made me so angry." or "He makes me so angry when he . . .!" These emotional reactions, however, are complex. It wasn't the car's behavior that made the man angry. It wasn't the woman's husband nor her teenage son who made her angry. The emotion was based on how each interpreted the events.
When a teen acts out, a parent may think: "He couldn't possibly have a reason for being so obnoxious. He's just trying to get my goat." That interpretation almost always leads to anger.
Perhaps there's a better way. A mother might realize that her son was irritable because he had a bad day. He may be worrying about a poor grade, perhaps he didn't get the role he wanted in the school play or he and his girl friend may have quarreled. This mother interprets the situation differently and feels sympathy.
Another mother might realize that her son is trying to establish his independence, so she doesn't take his tone of voice personally. Yet another responds with humor. Four different interpretations of "irritable teen behavior" lead to very different parental emotional reactions and behaviors.
Perception and Communication
Whenever we observe behavior, listen to someone speak or gather information, we draw conclusions. If we interpret correctly, we respond reasonably. If, however, we conclude incorrectly, our response may be wrong.
Two issues are important here:
- Communication always involves interpretation.
- Because we base interpretations on values, beliefs and experiences, we could interpret incorrectly.
We can avoid this pitfall through feedback. A reality check takes only a few seconds. Ask, "Do you mean . . . ?" or "Are you saying . . ?"
Perception and Problem Solving
How we perceive a problem affects its outcome. We may limit our options or possible solutions by the way we see, define or describe the problem.
For example, a father who wants help with household tasks sees his problem as a lazy daughter. This limits his number of solutions. What do you do with a lazy daughter? You can't just exchange her for another with more ambition.
Given the perception that his daughter is lazy, dad likely has been nagging her, a tactic that seldom succeeds. Better would be some solid communication. The daughter may not know how to keep a household functioning. Perhaps she doesn't realize how much time and energy her father is exerting. Maybe a heavy load of schoolwork and other commitments are strapping her time and energy. Perhaps she gets only those tasks, which she finds distasteful. Dad may not have been clear about his expectations, needs and standards. While it's possible his daughter suffers from a lazy streak, dad might benefit by changing his tactics to enlist his daughter's help.
Stereotyping Teenagers
Negative assumptions about teens are rampant, and parents and teens can be negative. Yes, our teenagers will be difficult at times, but aren't we all? We would be better served by knowing our own children as the individuals they are.
Folk wisdom says that optimism will bring success in almost anything we do, while pessimism, or negative expectations, will achieve the opposite. Any positive or negative belief can become true, because we tend to act as we believe. Using that logic, our teenagers may be difficult because we may expect them to be. And teens may think, "If I'm going to get blamed for it anyway, I may as well do it."
We communicate expectations to our teens through tone of voice, facial expressions, touch and posture. These expectations will help or may hinder our teens by influencing their self-perceptions. Teenagers and young children tend to live up or live down to whatever is expected of them.
Summary and Conclusion
Perception, along with stereotyping are powerful forces in human relationships. Learning how both parents and teens perceive a situation can help improve understanding and communication skills.
What do you assume or take for granted? Do you buy into widely held stereotypes and do
you base expectations of your teen (or parent) on them? Can you see your teen (or parent) as a person in his or her own center rather than just as another member of the "younger" or "older" generation?
The ability and willingness to examine how the process of perception is playing out in your family can go a long way toward improving communication and easing conflict.
For more information about this topic, contact Ann Zander, Colorado State University Extension agent in Boulder County, Colorado, at (303) 776-4865 or e-mail at: aczpa@co.boulder.co.us
or contact your local
Colorado State University Extension office.
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