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At a recent parent support group, one participant worried aloud that she and her husband disagreed about how to raise and discipline their three-year old son.
She pointed out that she and her husband came from different family backgrounds, so the
examples they had grown up with were very different. She wondered if they could ever agree
about child rearing, and she was concerned that their son was not be receiving consistent rules
from both parents. "How can we begin to come to some agreement?" she asked.
Throughout the room, heads nodded. It can be a big problem -- joining two people who have
been raised by very different methods and expecting them to be in harmony about how to raise
their own children. When people are falling in love and considering marriage and families, they
usually don't think to ask, "Are you for spanking or not for spanking?"
One of the biggest sources of marital stress is disagreement about child rearing. And for children,
major parental disagreement is a source of mixed messages and confusion that may undermine
the attitudes, values and behaviors parents hope to teach. Whatever the nature of the
disagreement, it can have a significant impact on all family members and can lead to an erosion
of parental authority, as children learn to play one parent against the other.
If the children are still young, parents have time to negotiate some agreement about the major
aspects of child rearing. Dr. Martha Erickson, Director of Children, Youth and Family
Consortium at the University of Minnesota, suggests the following steps.
Sit down together and list the aspects of child rearing on which you DO agree. For example,
what goals do you have for your child (say by the time he is 15), and what values do you want
him to learn? Then, identify the standards of behavior that you agree are realistic for your child's
age. Also list any strategies you both think are important. For instance, you may disagree about
punishments, but you may agree that both parents should set an example of respect and honesty.
Or you may agree that it's important to tell him you appreciate it when he does what you ask.
After you've identified points of agreement, begin to list areas of disagreement. Talk
openly, calmly and respectfully about what you each believe and where you learned those
beliefs. Together, use your childhood memories to help you identify the things you want to
repeat and the things you'd like to leave behind. Identify how incidences in your childhood made
you feel, understanding that nobody's childhood is perfect. Do you want to repeat behaviors that
left you with negative feelings, such as resentment?
Identify child-rearing sources to which you can turn, understanding that, together, you
may need to learn new strategies to replace the old ways that are a source of conflict. Call your
Colorado State University Extension county office to learn of parenting resources or
classes, or ask your local librarian to suggest some practical books about raising children.
Agree to a regular time to check in with each other about how you're doing together as
parents. Give new strategies a chance to take hold and give your child a chance to learn that mom
and dad are working together. Do not expect your child's behavior to change immediately, just
because you are trying a new mutually agreed upon tactic.
If, after giving these steps a good try, your levels of marital conflict continue, seek
professional counseling. It will be in the best interests of your child and your marriage to develop
a plan as early as possible. It's far easier to learn to strategize together about appropriate
toddlers' television watching than it is to wait until the issues are far more serious, such as drug
use or school truancy.
For more information about this topic, contact Margaret Miller, Colorado State
University Extension agent and director in El Paso County, Colorado, at (719) 636-8934 or e-mail: margaret_miller@co.el-paso.co.us or contact your local
Colorado State University Extension office.
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