What does Grandparenting mean today?

By Janet Benavente, October 2006
Colorado State University Extension
Agent, Family and Consumer Sciences, Adams County

The structures of American families are changing. Families have expanded vertically, with more surviving generations with fewer members in each generation. Sheehan and Petrovic of the University of Connecticut describe this as "bean pole families." Since 1990, another measurable change in family composition in the United State is the number of families with children headed by grandparents, with no parent present. This trend is often called "Parenting the Second Time Around."

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) reports that there are eight times as many children in grandparent-headed households as in foster care, with half of children being raised by grandparents younger than age six.

Across the country, children in grandparent-only households do not fare as well economically as children who live in homes headed by their parents. Nationwide, households headed by grandmothers have a mean household income of $19,750 or about the poverty level for a family of four. One in three Colorado children being raised by grandparents lives in poverty.

Grandparents take over for adult children
There are many reasons for this increase in children being raised by family members other than their parents. One big reason is the phenomenon of the "lost generation," people of childbearing age who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, incarcerated, or have lost custody of children because of abuse or neglect.

Many grandparents raising grandchildren experience ambivalent feelings. Some see the situation as a blessing and are grateful for the opportunity to form a deeper bond with a grandchild. Energy, optimism, laughter, activity, love, youthfulness and satisfaction are the gifts the children bring to grandparents' lives. Grandparents also feel that children benefit from their intimate involvement in the child's successes and the family support and encouragement they can provide to the children consistently. They also see the parenting role as an opportunity to use wisdom and continue family traditions that might otherwise be lost.

Grandparent health may suffer
On the other hand, some grandparents acknowledge feelings of shock and sadness, low energy levels, financial obligations that exceed income and legal issues. Researchers document high rates of asthma, weakened immune systems, poor eating and sleeping patterns, physical disabilities and hyperactivity among grandchildren being raised by grandparents. Grandparents also have poorer health than peers not raising grandchildren, with rates of depression that are two times as high.

Relations between grandparents and their adult children influence the relationship between grandchildren and grandparents. Grandparents may resent their adult child for failing. Many grandparents worry about the fate of their grandchildren if they become ill or die before the children reach maturity. It is important for grandparents to receive the support needed to acknowledge that it is not their fault that the adult child cannot function as a parent. It is also important to have a clear understanding of the things that are out of their control. Grandparents cannot keep children from feeling sad and angry and they will not be able to make the child a straight "A" student overnight. Another thing out of their control is the rehabilitation of the adult child.

Family therapy can help
Contextual family therapy (CFT) allows grandparents to describe and discuss the impact that parenting has on them and the children. CFT helps all generations deal with issues that result from grandparents having to take over a new role. If their adult child is manipulative they need to develop the skills to:

  • Set limits and enforce them.
  • Say "no" when welfare of the minor child is at stake.
  • Let go.
  • Have written guidelines or a contract.
  • Be assertive without being bossy.

Support groups and educational opportunities to develop the needed communication and parenting skills combined with referral to existing community-based programs can help grandparents and other relatives as parents. The local Area Agency on Aging and Extension office can help connect people with the services available in their community.

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Updated Monday, August 29, 2011