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Pets give us unconditional love. For the elderly, they also
can contribute to longevity, health, diet, exercise, mental
condition, self esteem and improved healing. For older adults,
the loss of a pet is significant because of what pets bring to
their well-being. Also, this loss may be one of many that they
are dealing with.
To understand the grief process, recognize that the pet-owner attachment is enduring, that emotions may represent several
issues, and that different people may be in different stages of
readiness to work through the stress of pet loss. The pet may be
the last connection to deceased loved ones or the trigger that
brings up unsettled emotions about other deaths or their own
mortality.
Colorado State University Veterinary Teaching Hospital
offers a program to help its clients deal with the grief of pet
loss: "CHANGES: The Support for People and Pets Program." Carolyn
Butler, Director, and Laurel Lagoni, founder, have seen many
forms of grief in pet owners:
- physical (crying, aching, changes in eating/sleeping, dry
mouth);
- intellectual (disbelief, denial, confusion, inability to make
decisions, sensory hallucinations);
- emotional (sadness, anger, guilt, feelings of helplessness);
- social (anxiety, alienation, changes in friends or location,
irritability);
- spiritual (shaken/strengthen religious beliefs, visions,
dreams, bargaining with God).
There is no wrong way or right way grieve the loss of a pet
-- there is only your way. The elderly may never have been
allowed to share with others their emotions or grieving
experiences. Many were taught how to acquire things, such as
pets, but not how to lose them.
Some people operate on myths when dealing with grief. Myths
that can be barriers to grieving include:
- Replacing the loss will make it easier. (Rush out and
get another pet).
- Grieve alone.
- Bury your feelings.
- Just give it time. (Somehow, magically, after "time"
has passed, a change will occur and you'll feel whole).
- Regret past actions or decisions; things could have
been different, better or more. (The truth is, we do
the best we can with the tools we have at the time.)
- In the future, don't trust. (This will eliminate the
potential for future pain.)
- Only the loss of human life warrants grieving.
Breaking away from these myths can be difficult. They create
an emotional numbness, we learned them from trusted sources, or
they are our beliefs, so they must be right. Check your behavior
for signs of resistance to grieving, such as changing the
subject, intellectualizing the subject, or staying busy.
After accepting the behaviors as grief and giving yourself
permission to grieve, check the origin of your feelings.
Did the pet fill a void in your life due to a lack of
friends? Was the pet the reason you took care of yourself?
Do you feel guilty because you didn't take some action to
save the pet? Are you afraid of being powerless to keep the pet
alive?
It is true that your life routines will not be the same. To
recover and feel good again, what can you do to fulfill your
needs?
If your pet's condition is terminal or you need to decide
about euthanasia, consider memorializing your pet. The University
of California Pet Loss Support Hotline offers the following
ideas:
- Write a poem, journal, song or story of your pet.
- Take lots of photos or video tape.
- Write a letter to your pet.
- Create art work that reminds you of the pet.
- Keep mementos of your pet, like a collar or piece of fur
or hair.
These actions can reduce the fear that you'll forget your
pet.
Find support during this time: another pet owner, your
veterinarian, or other community or professional resources. While
caring for a dying pet, some older adults may need help getting
to drugstores or pet stores, or help making a decision about the
pet's care. Find someone who can be a good listener and a
companion in providing treatment for the pet.
Ask the veterinarian to repeat information if you did not
hear or understand it. Ask him or her to write down information
(diagnosis, stages of disease) and directions for the care of
your pet.
When your pet dies, say good-bye in a way that works for
you. Say what you need to say. Realize that you're not crazy for
feeling debilitated for a while. Give yourself permission to take
the time you need to heal.
The CHANGE program is for the clients of the CSU Veterinary
Hospital who are facing a loss or experiencing grief. Other pet
owners may receive one free support session and an educational
pet loss packet. Contact CHANGES at (970) 491-1242. Also, Butler
and Lagoni have written an excellent book: "Human Animal Bonding
Grief".
For more information, contact your local
Colorado State University Extension office.
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